Dear 黒本,

It's been a long time since I've needed you.   That's a good thing.  I originally brought this about because I had emotions clawing me apart to get out, feelings of grief and hatred that I had hidden away or were just too much to keep to myself.  It was a bad time and this was my way out.

I'm still reminded through little things.  Just small occurrences that are insignificant, that anyone would deal with, remind me of the past and things I'd like to run away from.  But they don't mean anything and don't have any results, so everything is okay.

Not to say I have no stress and worries.  Writer's block is creeping around somewhere.

Whether or not they know it, my friends are helping me deal, just as my writing had.  It's not even that I'm talking about my grief to get through it.  It's just listening to other people's problems, whether or not I say anything to identify with them, is a release all on it's own.  I'd like to talk about it, as I'm still reminded, but  I'm sick of dealing with pain and grief and want most to just not feel it anymore.  I don't want to open my mouth and lose all of my words because I'm not physically ready to tell someone how I feel.  How I've been feeling whenever I think about it.

It's late.  It's only been an hour into the 23rd, but it looks I'm surviving another one.  I'll try not to push myself to hard, because I know that if I try to "reminisce" I"ll cry.  I don't want to cry.  It's been a long time since it first happened and I've been sick of crying about it for a long time.

I feel hopeful. I'm not quite through the storm, but it's quieted down.  The clouds haven't cleared, but at least it has stopped raining.  It's not quite the first step to a new start - I accredit New Year's Eve that one - but it's another step in the right direction.  I'm not sure what my destination is yet, but I think it will be a good place.

I don't know you.  I don't know if you have dealt with the loss of a loved one.  I don't know how hard that blow hit you.  Maybe I've had it easy and just like to complain.  I don't want to sound like a cliche, but it will get better.  It takes forever, but it does get better.  I wouldn't say it gets easier, but it gets better.  I hope that you find, well, hope.  Even if you have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired to find it.  Look for sunshine in your rain clouds.  Maybe you'll find a rainbow.  Look for a sword, a shield, a source of strength and perhaps you'll find a life-giving well.  Just keeping holding on, keeping walking, even if you have to walk backwards because you can't turn away from it just yet. 

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