今日のさよなら

I could write thousands upon thousands of poems about the darkness of shadows, the silver of moonlight, and the entrapment of night. I could describe endlessly the pure feeling of brokenheartedness, of hatred, of pain, and of chained hearts.

But I can't find the words to make you understand. I can't relate to you in words that will speak to your analyzing mind.  I can only speak in colors and metaphors, I can only speak in my feeling experiencing way, and not in the cold hard factual meaning that you find.

Our arguments are not arguments, but debates.  We don't speak in passion, but in statistics.  And then, the numbers are never high enough, the reasons are never truly enough for you to see any wishes as reasonable.

I can only try to hold back the flood gates.  I can only try to hold back my anger, my frustration, my sorrow, and my pain.  I can not make you feel the unfairness and injustice that I feel.  I can not make you see through my eyes.  I can only pray.

I can only retreat, and fall to this authority's sword.

There is always an escape: an escape from the borders of a country, a freedom found in pills and bullets and darkness, or even a break in sanity that leads to an escape of the mind.

You say we must leave, because your health is in danger, your very life hangs in the battle.  If handed the gun, I would pull the trigger, drive in the sword. 

I ran and ran, only to return to bars.  They were everywhere I turned.  They pushed me back and pushed me farther.  You saw me run, but never saw me turn the gun towards my own temple.  You told others to check up on me, but never believed you had anything to do with it.

I still try.  I still play by the house rules, and pay my time, but hey, plenty of people get out early because of good behavior, right?  Maybe I'll get lucky.  Maybe, life will hand me my one shot to freedom.  I still try because there will be a day I won't have to try any more.

すみません

Sometimes love comes not our way
Having our regrets to lay
Apart from Heaven's wings
Down to depth dark things
Our own truths we say
Wishing life away
Laughing at our own mistake
In form of silent pact
Gave up our heartache
Here is the last act
That our hearts can ever make

Dear 黒本,

In four days, it will have been a year.

My own mind finds comfort within itself.  Are people the source of all problems?  In content shadows of apathy, I am reminded not to trust.  I am reminded that there is no one to trust.

And yet, I want to be trusted.  I want to trust.

On both roads, there is betrayal.  Paths of betrayal lead to hate.

I had a dream about a white fawn.  In attempts to show off this gift, I had to get around those who wanted to protect it.  What path leads to forgiveness?  What leads to the motivation and desire for difference?