Call it burning
Both ends of the candle
Call it whatever you want
When these flames are
Licking my skin
At midnight hours 
From twilight unto dawn
This faint pain lingers
First just warm
For my cold heart
Then all the water consumed
Red blisters
Color of the flames.
I am these flames.
I am consumed by these flames.
Both the driving force and the fuel.
I can't last to much longer
Without you.

永遠の耳 (Eternal Ears)

Off in the distance
You shine like stars,
Fireflies that remain
Even after the glow fades.

But, why...
Are you so far away?
The distance oceans between
Whisper their soothing songs
To calm the frantic shouting
And silence our telegraph lines.

In the shadows of the full moon
I've caught tears in a dusty bottle.
Emptied, it carries this message
Across these dominant, quiet seas.
Far flung wishes
To you....

A single splash and thoughts dawn.
The empty bottle was broken.
Off in the distance
Stars pass like fireflies.

時々愛 (Sometimes Love)

Sometimes this lonely dark
Seems better than the crowded light
To slip into sleep here
Is more peaceful than the
Spinning, noisy people.

In the desert heart
There is a well
Flowing life-water love.
People take and take.
The well receives no rain,
Drying and dying.
To avoid dying themselves
The people dig deeper
Taking every last drop.

Bound heart
Chained soul.
Sometimes I see light
And sometimes nothing
But the dark.
Fight the dark.
Praise the light.
Surrender to it all.

This heart well hopes
For a little rain
From just a single cloud.

Dear 黒本,

It still hurts.  I was reading through these posts.  It was the damn Christmas cookies that did me in. 

I wish there was an effective way to communicate a sigh over these dead letters.  All written language is dead, not just Latin and Sanskrit.  Nothing can truly tell the way the heart really is.  Although, sometimes it can get very close.

It still hurts when I remember things like Christmas cookies.  I'll never be able to make him happy again, or at least give my best attempt at it.  I'll never see him smile again.  It hurts, it really does. 

And it absolutely blows my mind away, because it has been sooooo long.  Another...  I'd say anniversary, but that is a terrible word for the annual repetition of the day that someone you loved died.  Whatever It is, It is coming in the next month.  Two days short of an exact month.

I will try not to dwell on it.  I will try not to dwell on the fact that I graduated and he wasn't there, even though I know he would be proud.  I'll try not to remember that I remembered him on Father's Day, and that I can't/shouldn't/don't have to buy/make him a gift anymore.  I'll try to not dwell on the fact that my mother, his own wife, has moved on with her life, and I have not.  I don't need to talk to someone because that will only encourage the kind of remembering that encourages dwelling.

I'm sorry.  It's really not fair to Jeff.  I can't bring myself to call him my step-dad, even though that is what he is.  This is still really really hard.  It still really hurts, but I'll try not to open an almost healed scab, a mental scar.  I'll try really really hard not to dwell on it.

I still love you,


Still air, thick with heat,
Swathed around the lonely soul--
A heavy blanket
Grounding loose spirits
Too cold to migrate to warmer hearts.
A sigh stirs...
No new words.
No freedom.
No cool breeze.
This air here is suffocating.
The heat dragging
All tenants to their home in hell.

Must get up. 
Pick up the pen and the page.
Grab a light because the stars
Shed few tears for an empty wish.
In the cool dark
Find a shadow to find a story
Listen to the ghosts
Of past and present
To spring into the future.